meretricula | I'm a sheep

Either Theo/Gareth (YOU SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED IT) or Granby/Laurence. Or both, if you feel like spoiling me!

Rafa/Nole?

Javi/Iker. Or Neka/Irune. (Or, um, Neka/Irune/Joana, since THEY HAVE FREAKING T-SHIRTS.)

RAFA/ANDY/NOLE. Or Ferrer/Ferrero! :D

heee, of course!

Theo/Gareth:

who is the big spoon/little spoon
Gareth is almost always the big spoon, for obvious reasons. but sometimes when he's upset he'll go to bed by himself and curl up on his side, and then Theo will give him a little time and crawl in after him and hug him from behind.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity
they would both say videogames, but it's actually kicking a football around in the backyard.

who uses all the hot water in the morning
Gareth. it's not his fault, okay! he has hair to wash and Theo doesn't and he needs to condition his or it gets frizzy and Theo has a ridiculously small water heater!

what they order from take out
sushiiiiii even though Gareth secretly doesn't really like it because raw fish freaks him out so he always gets the california rolls or something with eel or prawns because they cook them first.

what is the most trivial thing they fight over
~~WALCOTT TO SPURS TROLOLOLOL~~ ~~JACK WILSHERE IS THE DEVIL~~ um, probably playstation.

who does most of the cleaning
Gareth, and he's super passive-aggressive about it, too.

what has a season pass in their DVR
some British reality TV show. maybe their version of Dancing With the Stars? I feel like that could be a halfway-decent compromise between Theo's desire for something halfway artistic and Gareth's desire to just shut off and watch something stupid.

who controls the netflix queue
Gareth, but mostly just because Theo can never remember that sort of thing. and then bitches when Gareth gets movies he doesn't want to watch. most of the time Gareth knows what Theo would like and he gets it for him, but sometimes he just wants a movie he wants to see, goddammit.

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
Gareth again! basically you can see a trend about who's the functional adult in this relationship.

who steals the blankets
you would think Theo, but actually Gareth is the human equivalent of a heat-seeking missile and he will alternate between smothering Theo and rolling himself up like a burrito in all the blankets when Theo shoves him off. he completely denies doing this when Theo kicks him awake to get the blankets back.

who leaves their stuff around
Theo, mostly. he doesn't mean to, he just never thinks about it. when Gareth leaves stuff at Theo's place, he thinks about it for a really long time and deliberately chooses where exactly he's going to leave something for maximum GARETH BALE WAS HERE SO ~~JACK WILSHERE~~ INTERLOPERS BEWARE effect.

who remembers to buy the milk
Gareth. he actually brings over a pint when he's planning to stay the night at Theo's because he knows Theo will never have any in the fridge that hasn't gone off yet.

who remembers anniversaries
Gareth always remembers, but he feels awkward making a fuss about them because he worries it's only a big deal to him. Theo is pretty good about it, though. and his big sister reminds him when he doesn't remember on his own.

who is the big spoon/little spoon
Rafa is the little spoon. he kicks in his sleep. it's safer this way.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity
predictably, playstation. except Rafa is kind of terrible even though he plays all the time and so they have to take long breaks frequently so Rafa will remember he doesn't actually hate Nole.

who uses all the hot water in the morning
Rafa. he'd say it's because he misses being in the water or some bullshit like that but basically he's cold a lot of the time and he likes getting the bathroom appropriately warm and steamy.

what they order from take out
Rafa orders everything that has ALL THE GLUTEN and laughs at Novak's diet. Novak sulks.

what is the most trivial thing they fight over
football. I'd say playstation but with Rafa playstation is sometimes a matter of life and death.

who does most of the cleaning
Novak. Rafa is a total slob and doesn't even notice.

what has a season pass in their DVR
La Liga and Serie A!

who controls the netflix queue
Rafa. and he never orders anything except musicals.

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
Novak. Rafa would just shiver and sulk.

who steals the blankets
Rafa. he's from a tropical climate, he is used to being warm! Novak grew up on a ski slope, he can handle the cold, so he needs to stop bitching.

who leaves their stuff around
if Rafa leaves his racket bag and sneakers out where Novak can trip over them one more time...

who remembers to buy the milk
Rafa. if he doesn't have milk he can't have hot chocolate! that would be horrible! even if he isn't anywhere near to out of milk, he'll buy it, just in case.

who remembers anniversaries
Novak. Rafa is not really good at remembering dates. this annoys Novak, especially when Rafa can remember the exact score of every match they've played against each other. Rafa doesn't really get why it's a big deal; he figures if they're going to be together for the rest of their lives it's kind of silly to keep track of the numbers.

Just to round off an evening of me fangirling all over you (I think I'm sorry. I'm not sure. Too tired to tell)...

AJ/Silva? (if you ship them. I don't actually know...)

Predictable, moi?

Everyone's already asked all the tennis/football pairings I had in mind, so I'mma kick it old school and go with InuKai. 8D

OMG, this is hilarious. I love the fact that it's a contentious relationship even off the court...also, that Rafa orders gluten for Nole!

You know I have a huge soft spot for Fabrique (and I know you do too) so please! (Although I am somewhat curious about Piquira.)

Xavi/inieasta? Or any combo of fabregas, messi, and pique?

You should see the glee I have on my face right now, looking at this. :DDDDD

LOLOLOL GARETH AND HIS NOT SO SNEAKY PLOTS TO MAKE EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY JACK WILSHIRE, BACK THE EFF OFF. Interlopers beware indeed. (And now you've got me imagining Theo crawling into bed to comfort an upset Gareth and my heart, it's cracking all over the goddamn place.)

hee, I'm glad you liked it!

man, it is way too soon to be writing about it but I really hope someone has been taking care of Gareth since Gary Speed committed suicide. =/ he was his manager. I can't imagine that not hitting him really hard.

Oh man, I've been thinking the same thing. Definitely not writing about it, but--I sincerely hope somebody's looking after him, and Aaron Ramsey as well. I mean, Speed made Ramsey captain, you know?

brb flailing like a crazy person *_*

I'm going to be a massive pain b/c I know you've written potc stuff way back and all the tennis & footie pairings have already been asked, so jack/norrington :D :D

vv/iniesta, since someone already brought up iker/javi

or silva/kun

Iniesta/Valdes. because I always pick goalkeepers. :D

I am tragically not quite familiar enough with Neka and Irune, so I'll do Javi and Iker, and if I have time to come around again I'll try the ladies! MATCHING T-SHIRTS WHAT THE HELLLLLLLL

who is the big spoon/little spoon
Javi used to be the big spoon because duh, but then fucking Ander made some comment in the dressing room and Iker got really pissed off because he can totally be the big spoon, stop being so damn sizeist Ander, so now Javi is the designated cuddle-ee. He mostly likes it except Iker always wakes him up really early with a fucking boner poking him in the back and while he appreciates the morning sex, sometimes he would like to just sleep in as late as possible.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity
Football. Closely followed by football-related videogames. They are single-minded people.

who uses all the hot water in the morning
Whichever of them gets there first. Javi because he really likes hot showers, and Iker because he's getting Javi back for all the cold showers. (He may also be subtly campaigning for a shared shower system.)

what they order from take out
Japanese! But mostly they just eat out. Neither of them is particularly domestic.

what is the most trivial thing they fight over
Iker's whoring ways. (It actually does kind of bother Javi that Iker flirts so much, but he knows Iker's not going to stop so he tries to keep it as a joke.) Iker thinks Javi is just jealous on account of being such a terrible failure with women, and teases him accordingly.

who does most of the cleaning
...neither? They basically live in filth.

what has a season pass in their DVR
Sports, sports and more sports.

who controls the netflix queue
Iker, and he's always ordering weird indie movies that are basically snuff films so that he can embarrass Javi by making him watch them.

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
Javi. He's kind of a delicate flower. He doesn't like being cold.

who steals the blankets
Javi, as noted above, is not a fan of the cold.

who leaves their stuff around
Both of them, but Iker is worse. Half his crap is just lying around in Javi's house. But at least this gives him an excuse to come over all the time to "get his stuff back"!

who remembers to buy the milk
Nobody. Living in squalor, remember?

who remembers anniversaries
Javi. Ander and Amorebieta try to remind Iker so he doesn't get caught out by it, though.

oh gosh. I really want to do Ferrer/Ferrero since I already did Rafa/Nole, but if I have time for a second swing I will come back!

who is the big spoon/little spoon
Ferru is the little spoon. Because he's the cuddliest. (And also because Juanqui sleeps with his dogs when Ferru's away, so he's used to having something warm to wrap himself around.)

what is their favorite non-sexual activity
Ferru loves going for long runs together. Juanqui is less thrilled with this, but it makes David happy, so he does it anyway.

who uses all the hot water in the morning
Juan Carlos believes in appreciating the little things in life. And anyway hot water is wasted on David, he's determined to be Spartan and takes minute-long cold showers most of the time.

what they order from take out
Nom nom tapas! But when they're both at home they like to cook.

what is the most trivial thing they fight over
Clothes. Ferru would wear sweat pants and a t-shirt for the rest of his life if he could get away with it. Juanqui thinks it isn't asking too much for him to dress like a civilized human being on occasion.

who does most of the cleaning
David when he's home, but the rest of the time Juanqui cheats and has a cleaning lady come. Life is too short to pick up your own socks.

what has a season pass in their DVR
They're Spanish. Football, of course. And Juanqui likes to watch golf, too. Ferru secretly thinks that this is the most boring sport imaginable.

who controls the netflix queue
Juan Carlos. David isn't around for long enough at a time to make it worthwhile.

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
Juan Carlos is the landlord. XD He's the one who calls the maintenance guy, though.

who steals the blankets
Ferru's a burrower. Juanqui thinks it's cute, mostly. (Anything is cute for a week. They're going to have fights about it when David retires, though.)

who leaves their stuff around
Juan Carlos. It's his damn place. He can leave his stuff wherever he damn well wants. It's not his fault that Ferru's an obsessive-compulsive neat freak.

who remembers to buy the milk
Neither of them really drinks it. Juanqui picks it up in the winter so Ferru can sneak hot chocolate when his coach isn't looking, though.

who remembers anniversaries
It's kind of fifty-fifty, but somehow they never both forget at the same time. And then they have a passive-aggressive fight over whether whoever forgot this time is really committed to the relationship. After a couple years of that, they're not huge fans of anniversaries. They just try to do a special dinner whenever they're both in the same place for a few days.

I am an equal-opportunity Silva shipper! everyone except Joleon gets a turn! (sorry, Joleon. XD)

who is the big spoon/little spoon
Silva is the little spoon. He used to get really cranky about it because oh yes, haha, he is very little, this is fucking hilarious, Johnson, GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH, so Adam would wait until he was asleep and then cuddle up behind him. And then Silva kind of started to like it. But shhh, don't tell anyone.

what is their favorite non-sexual activity
Football, of course!

who uses all the hot water in the morning
Adam. He's used to living alone and it makes him kind of inconsiderate about things like that.

what they order from take out
Whatever is allowed on their diet regimens, mostly Italian and Japanese. Adam used to try and get Spanish food for Silva, but Silva's opinion of the Spanish food in Manchester is not high, and he always points out they could just go to his house and eat his mother's cooking instead. Adam thinks Silva's family is nice and all, but they're kind of intimidating and if they go to Silva's house the chance he can talk Silva into sexytimes drops to zero.

what is the most trivial thing they fight over
Meal times. Adam wants to eat dinner before ten o'clock, okay? That is just not on. And the fact that David is always, always, always late.

who does most of the cleaning
Silva's mom. Adam's place, devoid of this feminine touch, looks like a hurricane just hit.

what has a season pass in their DVR
La Liga, which Adam secretly isn't too thrilled about. It makes him worry that maybe Silva misses it.

who controls the netflix queue
Silva. Adam could never remember to make sure everything came with Spanish subtitles, and Silva finally got fed up with him. So now they watch really random films, because Silva can't always understand the summaries when he orders them.

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working
Adam. Silva's English makes communicating with the locals an exercise in mime.

who steals the blankets
Silva. He's from the Canary Islands. England is FUCKING COLD. He needs those blankets, Adam Johnson, go get some more if you want them so bad.

who leaves their stuff around
Adam. He's really terrible about it, Silva yells at him all the time.

who remembers to buy the milk
Adam. Silva doesn't really drink it.

who remembers anniversaries
Both of them, but Adam is always the first one to mention it. Silva doesn't want to admit he remembers, just in case Adam has forgotten. He doesn't like the possibility that he cares more than Adam does; then he would be losing. (Adam tries and fails to point out that a relationship is not a competition. To Silva, everything is a competition.)

yeah. poor kids. Wales was doing so well. I really hope they qualify for the World Cup.

AAAAAAAAH.

I could just copypasta it all back at you with various permutations of 'yesssss' and 'thisssss' and '+1' interspersed throughout, it is just too perfect and true for anything more coherent.

But the last bit especially. Both hilarious and sort of sad. You know there's something wrong when Adam Johnson is more emotionally astute than you when it comes to relationships.

Thank you so much for this - I am grinning madly still XD

like, on the one hand I think Silva is way more mature than Adam and he has experienced a lot more of life, so you'd think he'd know what he's doing in a relationship. but on the other I think he's also innately cutthroat in a way that Adam just isn't, and that sometimes makes it hard for him to understand this whole "love" thing. (but it makes him a better footballer! you know how Mancini is all "I am hard on Adam because I am trying to teach him something"? Silva didn't need lessons. Silva already knew.)

a.ny.way. I'm glad you liked it! sry abt vomiting my Silva headcanon all over you XD

When I saw this I was going to prompt them but she already had so I just waited. And it's amazing. I love the last answer. Love it. I feel like it would be based on getting hurt from his relationships in Spain.

Although I can't imagine David is late to things often. There was an interview before the WC and he said unpunctuality is the thing that gets on his nerves the most.

I'm a sheep

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