meretricula | excellent and/or terrible life decisions (Reply)

we shall not describe my harrowing journey home last night. next time I will (a) check the weather forecast and (b) not get lured into staying out late to find out how a football match ends.

but!

meretricula: WALCOTT TO SPURS TROLOLOLOL

mardia: HAH!
Oh God, that would be AMAZING

meretricula: Wilshere would never speak to him again
he would unfollow him on twitter
is theo even on twitter

mardia: nope

meretricula: he would make him get twitter just so he could follow and then unfollow him

mardia: HAH HE REALLY WOULD
meanwhile, Gareth would throw a party
and serve sparkling water

meretricula: THEO IS FREE OF TERRIBLE INFLUENCES
I NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH GUNNERS AGAIN
EXCEPT ON THE PITCH
WHERE THERE IS NO ALCOHOL
OR TWITTER

mardia: AHAHAHAHAHH
OH MY GOD AMAZING
You know that for the longest time, Gareth's been thinking, "Theo would look so GOOD in a white jersey."
"And no, not the Real Madrid one."

meretricula: HE WOULD THOUGH
s-s-s-s-sexy

mardia: AHAHAHAHAHA

meretricula: presumably there are pics of him in the England kit
Gareth has them
you know
just to check
comparison purposes

mardia: BAHAHAHAHAHA

meretricula: IT WAS RESEARCH FOR THAT ENGLAND/WALES FRIENDLY
THAT'S ALL OK
HE'S NOT A STALKER OR ANYTHING
oh man I'm so waiting for the fic about some British player who's never been called up for England marrying into the Welsh or Scottish team
sadly it can't be Theo
but, you know
THEY HAVE GAY MARRIAGE IN BRITAIN RIGHT

mardia: HEE THEY DO
Well, civil unions, but yes

meretricula: fast-track to citizenship amirite :D
FORCED MARRIAGES
THE COACHES MADE THEM DO IT
COME ON THIS WOULD BE A CLICHE GIFTBASKET

mardia: AHAHAHAHA YES LOLOLOLOL
Girl, I'm still waiting for the "got drunk and got married" fic
Blackpool is apparently the Vegas of England

meretricula: ahahahaha
omg

mardia: (she says, only having seen the miniseries w/ David Tennant)

meretricula: omg WHO GETS MARRIED IN BLACKPOOL
CHAVS THAT'S WHO
HIS TEAMMATES WOULD JUDGE FOREVER

mardia: HAH!
Oh God
now I'm picturing Gareth going on this Gunner trip to Blackpool
as like, a chaperone or some shit
(HE CAN'T LEAVE THEO ALONE WITH THOSE MISCREANTS, WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN)

meretricula: ahahahahahahaha YES
only Jack like, idk, slips something in his drink
and he doesn't drink!
so he doesn't know what to look out for!
and the next thing he knows he wakes up next to Theo in his hotel room
WHICH HE IS SHARING WITH THE DEVIL AKA JACK WILSHERE

mardia: HAH!

meretricula: and Jack's like hahahahaha guess who got drunk-married last night?

mardia: Oh my God, YES
and the wedding photos are on TWITTER

meretricula: GARETH WORE THE DRESS

mardia: Gareth, for the record, is wearing a very fetching veil

meretricula: OR AT LEAST THE VEIL, YES
omg
can this be like that movie
um
the hangover?
I have never seen it
but, like

mardia: hee, neither have I

meretricula: they have to reconstruct their wedding night from the evidence
because NEITHER OF THEM REMEMBERS

mardia: They don't!

meretricula: and they have to go on a scavenger hunt to like find out who they bought the veil from
and Theo's tie
and all this stuff
so they can find the guy who married them
and get it ANNULLED ALREADY

mardia: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

meretricula: only secretly neither of them wants to get unmarried
:(

mardia: hee, nope
meanwhile, their phones are BLOWING UP
and over in New York, Thierry's getting updates from Robin and being like, "...I don't know how this is Jack's fault, but I KNOW IT IS."
Also, can there be rings?
I feel like there should be rings

meretricula: YES
THE RINGS ARE KEY
the final clue!
that leads them to their mystery marrier!
only in the end
they confess they don't want to find him
so they can stay married 4ever

mardia: HEE
Gareth's the one who says something
and he's all like, "I can't believe I got married and don't get to have any of the fun of actually BEING married."
(he adds a mental "to Theo" at the end of that sentence.)
also, Jack keeps getting yelled at
and he wants to know why

meretricula: haha
because it's his fault!

mardia: at least he kept all the ADULT pictures off Twitter!

meretricula: duh!
LOL YOU KNOW HE'S GOT THEM
SAVED FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT

mardia: and there are all these shots on his camera of Theo climbing on Gareth and sticking his tongue down his throat
and Jack's showing them this and going, admiringly, "Theo, I didn't know you were such a freak in bed! Well done!"
And Gareth's all, "HDU SPEAK OF MY HUSBAND LIKE THAT."
More importantly, how the fuck does Gareth STILL not remember any of this?
HE FEELS DEPRIVED.

meretricula: hahahaha omg
he has to defend Theo's virtue
yes
BUT WHAT DOES POOR THEO THINK

mardia: HEE

meretricula: MAYBE HE DOESN'T WANT HIS VIRTUE DEFENDED
MAYBE HE WOULD APPRECIATE A GOOD ASSAULT ON HIS VIRTUE
FROM, YOU KNOW, THE RIGHT SOURCE

mardia: Hah!
Oh God, I bet he gets quieter and grumpier throughout the entire day
He has no problem being a slut
but he wants to REMEMBER it
meanwhile, Gareth keeps muttering about bad influences and whatnot

meretricula: hee
Gareth and his obsession with bad influences
THEO COULD BE BAD ON HIS OWN
HE TOTALLY COULD
WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST HE'S SUCH A GOODY TWO-SHOES

mardia: AHAHAHAHAHAHHA
THEO CAN BE BAD
IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES
WHEN HE HAS THE RIGHT MOTIVATION
AND HE COULD GET SOME MOTIVATION RIGHT NOW
IF GARETH WOULD JUST SHUT UP

meretricula: poor Theo, man
he's trying
actually they're both trying
and both totally misunderstanding
what we have here
is a culture clash
see, Gareth was raised to believe that when you love someone, you treat them right and respect their choices
and Theo was raised to believe all that, sure
but also that respecting someone's choices
could include
you know
ACTUALLY TELLING THEM YOU WANT TO BANG THEM
SO THEY HAVE A CHOICE

mardia: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
OH MY GOD, DYING
He just spends the entire day in a daze, going, "How have I not had sex?"
THIS IS VERY CONFUSING FOR HIM.
ALL THAT BOOZE
AN ACTUAL MARRIAGE LICENSE TO MAKE IT LEGAL AND OFFICIAL
AND STILL NO SEX

also I clearly have my priorities straight because I may not have a bed or a bookcase or a dresser or really anything in my room besides a closet and an air mattress, but I HAVE MY PICTURES OF LEO UP AND IT FEELS LIKE HOME.