meretricula | Fic: Queen of the Lab (Bones genderfuck)

...Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

setissma was taking prompts for Halloween drabbles around the themes of bodyswitch and genderfuck. My prompt was: Bones, girl!Zack, girls night out. Sadly,

setissma is a busy girl and has other things to do... but I love the idea of girl!Zack! So I wrote it myself. It ended up being a bit longer than anticipated, but it ended exactly where I wanted it to, so yay.

"Fresh meat today!" Hodgins announced, descending upon Angela's office with an air of glee. She looked up from her still-incomplete holographic simulator, looking skeptical.

"I'm just going to pretend that you're referring to the lunch selection in the cafeteria, and not some gross dead thing you're examining for Brennan. Though I think anybody who actually ate something from the cafeteria would end up a gross dead thing pretty promptly, so, never mind. I'm not going to even think about it."

"Bzzzzz! Neither of your suppositions is correct!"

"Not thinking about it!"

Hodgins grinned. "Not even if I tell you that my apparently ill-chosen food-related metaphor referred to the new grad student Brennan's taking on?"

"Ooooh!" Angela jumped up, not even bothering to feign further interest in her malfunctioning equipment. "Do you have details? She won't tell me anything! Something about... blah, blah, confidentiality, blah."

"Just that his name is Zachariah Addy." Hodgins did a little box-step shuffle that was probably not meant to look as lame as it did. "Not the only Y-chromosome in the lab anymore! Not that I don't love working surrounded by beautiful women," he added hurriedly, catching Angela's glare, "but it's boring being King of the Lab when there's no competition."

Angela rolled her eyes. "You're disgusting. I hope he's cute! Aww, our very own grad student! He's probably starving and living in a garret. We have to take him under our wing!"

"Yeah, whatever. I just want someone to watch hockey with."

"Angela?" Dr. Brennan called from outside the room. "Are you busy?"

"No, sweetie!" Angela did a tiny shimmy that managed to be far more coordinated and attractive than Hodgins' attempt. "Come on in!"

"Thank you. Oh, good, you're here, Hodgins." Brennan strode in at her usual quick pace, trailed by a dowdy-looking girl. Hodgins glanced at her, took in the complete lack of fashion sense and adoring gaze locked on Brennan's back, and dismissed her as one of the intern-groupies Brennan sometimes acquired. They usually stuck around long enough to realize that Brennan was too socially inept to pick up on their hints that they wanted a mentor, and left for more educationally rewarding waters.

"This is Angela Montenegro; she specializes in facial reconstructions," Brennan was saying as Hodgins tuned back in. "And Dr. Jack Hodgins works with soil and particulates. Angela, Hodgins, this is Zachariah Addy, my new grad student."

"Zachariah is a boy's name," Hodgins blurted out tactlessly, his dreams of a hockey-game companion and competitor for King of the Lab going up in smoke. Normally his attention would have been focused on the chest area of a new female acquaintance, but since he had already determined the improbably-female Zachariah's feminine attributes to be negligible, Hodgins was able to watch as the new grad student's face fell.

"So is Ashley," she snapped.

"Hodgins!" Angela and Brennan exclaimed in unison - Angela because she had noticed that Zachariah seemed upset, Brennan because odd names were a forbidden topic around her. "Don't pay attention to him, honey," Angela continued. "He's just cranky because he wanted another boy to play King of the Lab with. Come on, let's go out for lunch and get to know each other. I bet we can even get the department to pay for it, right, sweetie?"

"I, um, I'm not sure that would be ethical..." Brennan said indecisively.

"We'll file an expense report," Angela assured her. "It'll be fine. And Hodgins, you can stay here and eat cafeteria food. Boys aren't invited." She wrapped an arm around Zachariah Addy's skinny shoulders and guided her out of the room, Brennan following in her best friend's wake like a slightly confused puppy. "What do you like to go by, Zachariah?" Angela asked as they left the room.

"Zach is fine," she replied hesitantly. "Or, um, sometimes Addy, but then people assume my name is Adrianne."

"Zach it is, then," Angela declared. "Do you like Chinese?"

The door swung shut behind them. Hodgins, left alone in the office - not even his office - scowled.

*

Hodgins lurked around the lab until after six, when Brennan finally went home or retreated into her office and locked the door; either way, she was out of sight and out of mind. Angela had already left a few minutes before five, chattering at high speed about a date and a new outfit while Brennan and Zach nodded in total incomprehension. Zach was slowly packing up her things, casting longing looks at the shiny new equipment as she pulled herself away.

"Um, hey, Zach," Hodgins offered, leaning against the door that she had to pass through in order to get out of the lab.

"Hello, Dr. Hodgins," she said stiffly, swinging her completely unstylish backpack onto her shoulder. She was already wearing a hideous, puffy, bright orange parka. Hodgins carefully refrained from wincing.

"Look, we kind of got off on the wrong foot. Can we start over? Hi, I'm Hodgins." He held out his hand. Zach eyed it suspiciously, but eventually took it.

"Hi, I'm Zach."

"Where you from, Zach?"

"Michigan." Well, that explained the parka. "Can I ask what this has to do with work?"

"Nothing. It's after five; we don't have to work anymore. I'm just making conversation. Are you headed home?"

"Yes..."

"Come on, I'll give you a ride."

Zach blinked. She actually had very big, pretty eyes, Hodgins observed. The clothes were hopeless, and her hair was pulled back in a long, unflattering ponytail, but the eyes were nice. And when Angela worked her womanly magic on their new colleague... well, there was some potential. Not on the level of Angela herself, or Dr. Brennan, but still. "You don't need to, Dr. Hodgins. I'm told that the public transportation in Washington DC is very reliable."

"I have a car and no real plans for the evening. I can give you a ride home. And it's just Hodgins."

"Um, okay. Hodgins." Zach fidgeted all the way to the garage. "I can't give you directions," she apologized. "I only moved in yesterday, and I've never driven in DC."

"My car has GPS. Just get in," he said with a sigh. "What's your address?"

She told him.

"Seriously?"

"Look, it's not like grad students have a lot of money," she said defensively. "And I have a lot of siblings. I don't want to ask my parents for help."

"Okay, okay! I'm sure it's not that bad. And it's not too far. Do you mind if I put on the news?"

*

"I'm not leaving you here," Hodgins announced, staring at the dilapidated deathtrap that was Zach's apartment building. "No way in hell."

"There's no need to be insulting. I can take care of myself." Zach scowled. It wasn't a particularly effective expression on her.

"Look, I wouldn't leave Dr. Brennan in that building, and she has a black belt in like six different martial arts and could kick my ass with both hands tied behind her back."

"I don't really see how restraining her hands would hinder her ability to kick you," Zach pointed out.

"It screws with your balance or something, and anyway, it's just an expression. You said you only moved in yesterday, right? So you haven't unpacked yet."

"Not really, why?"

"Go get the bags you really need, and we can come back on the weekend to pick up the rest. I have an apartment over my garage; you can live there."

"I already have an apartment here," Zach said, mulishly.

"You're not living here. Go get your stuff. Now." Hodgins glared. Zach glared back, but she reached for the door-handle.

*

A week later, Hodgins happened to be passing by the part of the lab where Zach and Brennan - and the dead bodies - mostly stayed. "Congratulations, Zach!" Dr. Brennan was saying, sounding pleased.

"What'd our prodigy come up with now?" Hodgins asked, swinging inside instead of continuing on by. Zach had already helped Angela fix most of the bugs with her holographic simulator and proved her extensive knowledge of Firefly quotes two nights ago when Brennan had taken her team out for dinner. Apparently the department was willing to let her expense outings for at least a month as "bonding time," and Angela had nagged her into taking full advantage.

"Zach identified the weapon that caused the cranial fractures on our skeleton!" Brennan said proudly.

"Hey, way to go, kid!" Hodgins punched Zach on the shoulder, lightly. She bitched if he hit too hard.

She grinned at him, and offered, a little hesitantly, "Queen of the Lab?"